Sarah Congress writes comedic scripts for theatre and television. Most recently, her comedy Dracula...in Denver! was selected as one of six plays for production in the 2022 Your Worst Nightmare Festival (San Francisco, April 2022). Her play A Thanksgiving to Remember has been selected to be published in the anthology "Borderless Thalia: A Multilingual Comedic Collection" (Solis Press, UK 2022). Her comedy FRESH KILLS was produced in the 2021 Downtown Urban Arts Festival and her full-length play The Angel Manual received a reading in the 2021 HB Studio Playwright's reading series. She is a 2021-2022 PlayGround-LA Writers Pool member. 

The Women of Pearl Systems

Characters:

Please note that the below characters can be played by an actor of any race/ethnicity.

Jessie: 48. Executive assistant & junior bookkeeper at Pearl Systems for the past ten years.  Artemis: 41. Front desk assistant at Pearl Systems for the past ten years.
Rachel: 23. The new temp-to-perm executive assistant.

Time:

The Present: Vaccine cards, global warming, civil/political unrest.

Note about the Set:

Less is always more.

Lights up on Pearl Systems, an IT and Healthcare Recruiting Company in Manhattan. JESSIE sits in her cubicle looking over numbers. ARTEMIS, stationed at the front desk, reads through a magazine. A title card reads: “September.”

ARTEMIS
Why are we still getting Consumer Reports? Rob had us cancel it in 2016.

JESSIE
(without looking up from her screen) Why the hell would I know?

ARTEMIS
Remember back when Alex worked here he made us bring a Consumer Reports and New York Times to his desk with his coffee every single morning?

ARTEMIS/JESSIE
(in a man’s voice) “Nice skirt, Artemis. Nice skirt.”

JESSIE
(typing and sighing) Back before Pearl Systems had HR.

ARTEMIS tosses Consumer Reports into the recycling bin.

ARTEMIS
HR? Or “slap on a hairy wrist?”

JESSIE
(laughing) Rob always threatened to fire HR. Remember? “What does that damn rep do anyway?”

JESSIE gets up and picks up the Consumer Reports out of the recycling bin and leafs through it.

ARTEMIS
Rob still says that at tax season.

JESSIE puts the Consumer Reports into her purse.

JESSIE
For the LIRR.

The sound of a door buzzing is heard. ARTEMIS presses a button.
RACHEL enters, carrying a bag from Sweetgreens. She takes off her ear buds. She smiles.

RACHEL
I’m Rachel? The new Executive Assistant.

ARTEMIS
Temp.

RACHEL
Excuse me?

ARTEMIS
The new temp exec assistant.

RACHEL
Rob said the position was a full—

JESSIE
Temp to perm. If you do well, we offer full time.

JESSIE hands a manilla folder to RACHEL.

JESSIE (CONT)
Have a seat right there. I’ll get you started on your new hire paperwork. Did you bring proof of vaccination?

RACHEL nods.
ARTEMIS holds out her hand.

ARTEMIS
Driver’s license?

RACHEL
Yup, right here.

RACHEL pats her purse.
ARTEMIS still has her hand out.

RACHEL
Oh, duh, you need it like now.

RACHEL hands ARTEMIS her driver’s license.
ARTEMIS goes downstage left...where she pantomimes scanning the card on the copier.

JESSIE
There’s two W-4s in there. Please fill out both.

ARTEMIS returns. She hands RACHEL back her license.

ARTEMIS
Minnesota?

JESSIE
Yup! Just moved to New York.

ARTEMIS stares at RACHEL.

ARTEMIS
Why?

RACHEL
My boyfriend, Dan, is getting his master’s at NYU. Plus, like, always dreamed of living here.

ARTEMIS
City isn’t what it used to be. Miserable rat hole...would have stayed in Minnesota if I were—

JESSIE
Any questions on the paperwork, Rachel?

RACHEL
Um, is there like a fridge where I can put my kale caesar?

JESSIE
End of the hall, right of the shredder.

RACHEL
Thank you!

RACHEL exits.

JESSIE
Be nice.

ARTEMIS
I am nice.

JESSIE stares at ARTEMIS.

ARTEMIS (CONT)
I’ll be nice.

RACHEL re-enters.

RACHEL
So what’s the company culture like here?

ARTEMIS
We get underpaid.

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
And watch the men with MBAs bought by mommy and daddy get promoted ahead of us.

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS grabs her pack of menthol cigarettes off the front desk.

ARTEMIS
BRB.

ARTEMIS exits.

JESSIE
Happy first day.

RACHEL
Thanks?

Lights out.
Lights up. A title card reads “October.”
RACHEL sits at the front desk. The phone rings. She answers.

RACHEL
(on phone) Good morning Pearl Systems? Yes, we recruit PeopleSoft engineers—

JESSIE
(from her desk) PeopleSoft technicians.

RACHEL
(on phone) Technicians. Do you have a cover letter—

JESSIE
(from her desk) C.V.

RACHEL
(on phone) You could email us?

ARTEMIS enters with coffee and her pack of cigarettes.

ARTEMIS
Make sure the C.V. is in word, not PDF, in case we have to clean it up.

RACHEL
(on phone) A word doc. C.V.

ARTEMIS
English—

RACHEL
An English PDF—

ARTEMIS
Word doc—

RACHEL
(to ARTEMIS) Could you like not holler directions at me when I’m like on the phone?

ARTEMIS picks up her coffee and goes to JESSIE’S desk.

ARTEMIS
Hear that? I’m not allowed to like holler directions at her when she’s like on the phone.

JESSIE
Take a look at this.

ARTEMIS looks at JESSIE’S computer screen.

ARTEMIS
Management?

JESSIE nods her head excitedly.

ARTEMIS
(quietly) Rob’s gonna pick Paul.

JESSIE
(laughing) Paul?

ARTEMIS nods.

JESSIE
Paul? Paul’s only been here six months. Rob knows he’d be in Chapter 11 without me over here running the books for the last decade.

RACHEL walks over to ARTEMIS/JESSIE.

RACHEL
Can I have a headset?

Silence.

RACHEL (CONT)
Hurts my neck to hold the phone up to my ear all the time.

ARTEMIS
You know what else hurts?

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Giving birth and raising twin boys while your husband fucks his optometrist’s secretary.

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Filing for a divorce during a global pandemic.

JESSIE sighs and tidies her desk.

ARTEMIS (CONT)
Rescuing your bipolar mother and six cats from her apartment just a few blocks from the World Trade Center on 9/11.

JESSIE
Pearl Systems can’t provide you with a headset, but you can bring one from home.

ARTEMIS
Sorry your neck hurts, Rachel. Try CBD oil.

ARTEMIS exits.

JESSIE
Don’t mind her.

RACHEL
Not like I want to die an executive assistant, okay. This is just my day job while Dan finishes grad school.

JESSIE
(typing away) Then what are your plans?

RACHEL
For tonight? There’s this new hookah spot Carly and Dan and Sean and I are checking out on Bleecker Street, then an open mic—

JESSIE
Plans for your life, Rachel.

RACHEL
Dan wants to stay on the East Coast.

JESSIE
For your life.

RACHEL
Uh...well...

JESSIE
Think about the answer to that while you go file these in the back room.

JESSIE hands RACHEL a giant stack of folders.

RACHEL
(under her breath) God, why can’t they just store this crap on the Cloud...

Lights out.
Lights up. A title card reads “November.” JESSIE stands in front of an office chair.

JESSIE
Rob, I’ve been busting my ass for you for over ten years.

Silence.

JESSIE (CONT)
We both know how much I do.

Silence.

JESSIE (CONT)
Why Paul?

Silence.

JESSIE (CONT)
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

JESSIE exits.

Lights out.
Lights up. A title card reads “December.”
RACHEL and ARTEMIS decorate for the “Holiday” party.

RACHEL
Artemis?

ARTEMIS
Not too much Christmas, remember?

RACHEL
Can I ask you a question?

ARTEMIS
Put a few more menorahs out.

RACHEL
How did you know that your husband was cheating on you?

ARTEMIS looks at RACHEL.

RACHEL (CONT)
Pictures on his phone of this girl in his Econ class—

RACHEL starts to cry.
ARTEMIS puts down the decorations. She taps RACHEL on the shoulder.

ARTEMIS
Come have a cigarette, kiddo.

JESSIE stands on the fire escape, looking at the view. ARTEMIS and RACHEL join her.

JESSIE
Hey, hey the fire escape can only handle up to five hundred pounds or something.

ARTEMIS
Live a little.

ARTEMIS hands JESSIE and RACHEL cigarettes.

RACHEL
My mom smokes menthol.

ARTEMIS
Only real cigarette there is.

JESSIE
My father-in-law smoked American Spirits.

RACHEL
(murmuring) Dan smokes them too...with marijuana.

RACHEL starts to cry.

JESSIE
Rachel, what’s—

ARTEMIS
(whispering/mouthing) Boy problems.

JESSIE
God, if I was fresh to the City, I wouldn’t give a crap about boys. I’d just focus on my career. Get myself into business school...work my way up...or better yet, start my own company.

ARTEMIS
Invest in Cyrpto?

JESSIE
Damn straight. If I were a man...

RACHEL
(wiping eyes) Guys, it’s 2021. Ok? Women can go to college and take birth control and participate in #MeToo.

RACHEL smokes her cigarette.

RACHEL (CONT)
All day at the office you talk like it’s the dark ages. Well, it’s not. Don’t you ever listen to Taylor Swift lyrics? Like, really really listen to them?

ARTEMIS
So it’s equal now?

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Everything is all fair and square round here?

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Then why was Jessie turned down for a promotion she was overqualified for? Why are all our big clients still old men? How come Rob “suggested” that I get botox?

JESSIE
Rob said you should get botox?

ARTEMIS nods.

RACHEL
My aunt had a really bad reaction to it. Now her face is like permanently frozen like this.

RACHEL makes a face.

JESSIE
Rachel, Artemis and I just want you to be aware, is all.

RACHEL
Of what?

ARTEMIS
The war isn’t over yet.

RACHEL
Didn’t Biden bring all the troops back?

JESSIE points to the office.

JESSIE
This war.

ARTEMIS smokes.

RACHEL
Look, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, okay. Still paying off stupid student undergrad loans and clearly it’s not like administration is my passion...besides, all my mom and dad want me to do is marry Dan and pack school lunches.

ARTEMIS
You have something that neither I nor Jessie have, Rachel.

RACHEL
What could I possibly? You guys like run the damn office—

ARTEMIS
Youth.

RACHEL
Just wish I knew what I wanted.

ARTEMIS
It’ll come.

ARTEMIS plays with RACHEL’S collar.

JESSIE
Would you look at that, the Empire State building is all lit up.

ARTEMIS
Glowing.

RACHEL
Guys?

Artemis and Jessie smoke.

RACHEL (CONT)
When you were my age, what did you want to be?

ARTEMIS / JESSIE
(simultaneously) Madonna. / Stock broker.

RACHEL laughs.

ARTEMIS
Welcome to Pearl Systems, kiddo.

Lights out. End of play.